


to thine own self

by mentallyincali



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bad Parent John Winchester, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Character Study, Coming Out, He/Him and They/Them Pronouns for Sam Winchester, Non-Binary Sam Winchester, Pansexual Sam Winchester, Sexuality, figuring stuff out, minor spoilers about deaths in s1-3, pan!he/they sam rights, s1 and forward, sort of ?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:07:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29122416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mentallyincali/pseuds/mentallyincali
Summary: a character study of sorts about season 1+ sam winchester and who he is and who he loves and his family
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel & Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	to thine own self

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not really sure how to describe this fic so sorry for the bad summary. it's kind of just 1.7k words about sam and him figuring out his sexuality and gender identity and his life

If you asked Sam Winchester when he first started to think that he wasn’t straight he’d probably tell you about the time that he and his older brother snuck out of the motel room they were staying in and went to watch the first X-Men movie. It was a belated kind of birthday celebration for Sam, he had turned 17 two months prior and Dean hadn’t had the chance to do anything special for him. When you spend more time checking out Wolverine’s ass instead of Storm’s, you definitely start to think that something is up. It’s not that he didn’t even check out Storm, he fell head over heels for her. But he also kind of felt that same way about Wolverine. As Sam and Dean walked home after the movie Sam took that information and tucked it away to be thought about at another time. 

When he was 18 his dad sent him out on his first fully solo hunt two states over from where they were temporarily living. It was supposed to be some right of passage to prove you’re a man and a hunter kind of thing. Sam thought it was bullshit and would rather be checking the mail for college acceptance letters, but it got him away from John Winchester so he took the chance. Sam didn’t end up hunting anything that trip. Mostly because the "monster" he was sent to deal with turned out to be a hurt and injured creature that was just terrified and accidentally ended up terrifying the people in the town it was in. It wasn’t actually harming anyone. So instead of killing them he found a way to help them out and when he was done the son of the local witch who had assisted Sam gave him a kiss and a grounding crystal. Sam was dazed after it but drove back home in a happy mood. He still has the crystal. 

But if you asked Sam Winchester when he first started questioning his gender identity he’d tell you he started feeling that earlier. Sam had always felt a little weird about being called "boy" or "little man" or any kind of name that was inherently and irrevocably masculine. He couldn’t ever figure it out, it just made him want to shake the words off. He didn’t really ever have much of a problem being called he, but when people got overly masculine about him it felt weird. It felt weird when people were overly feminine when talking about him too. One time in first grade when Sam had let his hair grow longer cause he liked it long and liked when Dean put little padawan braids in it one of his teachers has commented on how pretty his hair was and how it made him look like a little cherub. And then one of the class bullies called him a girl later that day. When he got home that evening he was crying about how someone called him a girl and his teacher called him a cherub. John just scoffed and said it’s ‘cause his long hair wasn’t boyish enough. That made Sammy cry even harder which brought Dean out of his room. Dean sat with Sam until he calmed down and even though that day Sam didn’t really understand what made him react so violently to all those different things, he knew it felt weird. It wasn’t until Sam spent a week at Bobby’s when he was 14 and met some different and inspiring people that he even learned that you didn’t have to like girls if you were a boy and you didn’t have to be a boy either. He didn’t know that there were words and explanations for the things he had been feeling all their life. They didn’t know other people felt the same way. 

Sam was comfortable keeping their labels and revelations to themself once they figured them out. John was well, John, and wouldn’t understand what Sam was talking about and probably wouldn’t accept it. He’d tell Sam to “man up” and that he’s a man and a hunter. He’d tell him he isn’t really feeling those kinds of feelings for anyone that isn’t a girl. Dean would probably just go along with whatever John said in order to appease John no matter if it stung Sam a little. Dean was weighed down by John’s impossible expectations and ingrained toxic masculinity. Sam knew that both of them wouldn't get it, maybe Dean would one day, but today wasn’t that day. So when Sam stormed off to college they weren’t expecting to actually tell people those things about themself. He had kept them so close to his heart and didn’t share them with anyone so he didn’t really think anyone else needed to know. But at college he met new people and learned even more about himself. He met other people that understood the things he felt and that made it easier to share. He also met people who didn’t understand and sneered at him. But he’d been living with that his entire life, someone not understanding and looking down at them with a disdainful look, so he just stared them straight in the eye told them to fuck off and would walk away. He started to introduce himself with his pronouns. “Hi, I’m Sam and my pronouns are he/they. How are you doing?” Sam would talk about being pansexual when asked and would talk about it even if they hadn’t been asked. He went on dates and made out with people and went further than that sometimes. And then they met Jessica. Lovely, brilliant, fierce Jess. She changed his world. Sam never knew that someone could be as kind and all consuming as she could be and he found himself falling more and more in love with her everyday. She loved them back. Sam never told her about the life they lived before they came to college, but she loved him now and that’s what was important to him. 

But that all changed when Dean crashed into his life again talking about how John went on a hunting trip and has been gone for a few days. Sam told Jess that he'd be back soon and stepped into the Impala expecting to be back in time for their interview next week. John was probably fine and just tied up with a case somewhere remote and this would all be a waste of time. It was strange being around Dean again. A few years had passed and while the years were kind to Dean, he held a kind of weariness in his eyes that showed he was holding a lot more inside than everyone knew. Dean noticed how Sam had changed too. He got taller, if that was at all possible. And calmer and more assured. When Dean asked them about it Sam just chuckled softly to themself and said that he learned about the importance of knowing yourself and letting others know your true self. Dean gave him a strange look and squinted his eyes some, but then shrugged and turned his eyes back to the road. Neither of them knew that they wouldn’t find their dad, but would find a new case. And neither of them thought that when returning back to Stanford Jess would be dead. 

Jess’ death throws Sam back into the life of being a hunter and he doesn’t really protest that. Dean is on a mission to find John and Sam is on a mission to find John, but also to find the yellow eyed demon that John has been hunting since Mary died. Sam knows logically that he’s turned into his father in this way, but they refuse to dwell on those thoughts. They find John, John gets possessed. They save him, but lose him again. Sam almost loses Dean, but John is the one who dies instead. Dean is devastated. Sam is understandably sad but they don’t really miss John. Not in the way they miss their mom who they never met and the way he misses Jess. He dreams of her from time to time. Never anything good, Sam wishes he would dream of their time together instead of the nightmares he has of her death.

Living on the road with Dean can be difficult. For one they’re not actually living anywhere, they have nowhere to call home. They run from case to case. Most nights the two siblings sleep in the Impala. If they rustle up enough money, then they find rooms in motels. Sam never missed this life, but he did miss his brother. Behind the tired wariness that settles over Dean wherever they go, Sam can still see bits of the bright and excitable boy that Dean used to be. Of course there are the times when John's influence on Dean shines through and Sam grits his teeth and tries not to yell at Dean. They know this isn’t really who Dean is, who Dean wants to be. Dean is a product of the man that molded him, a result of who John was. Dean never knew another father figure besides John. Hell, he barely knew any other adults except other hunters that were like John. Sam was lucky that the person who raised him was Dean and not John. 

But even that changes. Sam dies. Dean dies. Dean is brought back. They meet Castiel, a real angel of the Lord. And then Sam dies again, eventually coming back. The years go by and Dean changes, grows. Sam finds themself opening up to Dean and telling him about being pansexual. It takes them a little longer to tell him about being non binary and Dean doesn’t really get it at first but he makes an effort to learn and be supportive. Cas helps Dean with that. Cas helps Dean learn a lot about who he is. Over the years Sam changes, too. He’s not that young man who went off to Stanford all those years ago. They’ve still got the same fierce sense of curiosity. They still have the desire to look out for other people and that’s what keeps him waking up every day. But now there’s always a haunted look in his eyes if he pauses and is still for too long. When they’re cooking sometimes their hand trembles. But he’s still Sam fucking Winchester. He’s still got his brother Dean. He’s still got Cas. He's got his family with him and that’s what matters.


End file.
